Diary of a Loser Beauty Queen

(that’s not a first place trophy)

When I was younger, I was all about putting on performances. I loved the spotlight. I’d sing, I’d dance (badly), I’d dress up and do impressions, I’d put on magic shows, basically anything to entertain people. But for some reason, when it came to doing it for anything other than fun, I’d choke. I didn’t do talent shows or anything (well, I did one and sucked) because I’d take one look at the audience and almost pee in my pants. You know that feeling – your heart thumps the crap out of your chest, you get all sweaty, and you completely forget everything, I mean EVERYTHING, you’re supposed to do or say. That always happened to me. Any time I’d try something for real and not just for fun.

I still do that even as an adult. It’s like I’m scared of success and the pursuit. My focus on failure and all the other negative aspects of a situation always consumes me until my desire for the prize becomes bigger than my fear. It’s just plain annoying.

Fear is just this sucky little thing that ruins everything with potential. Relationships, jobs, opportunities. It’s so easy to be scared. Living in Nashville, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet a lot of cool people, many of them being performers. Any time I watch them on stage or they tell me about a show they did, I like literally get nervous at the thought. And it’s not even me we’re talking about! Truth is, it’s because I wish I could do it. I love to sing and I’ve loved music since I was little. My mom sang in a band and I’d dance around at all her shows and fall asleep under the stage. And in Georgia, I always said that once I got to Nashville I would give it a try. So, I’m here. Not trying. Why? Because of fear. I think sometimes our biggest fears are initiated by our biggest desires. Sometimes we just have to be scared. Because the only thing that can happen when you’re already scared is for it to go away.

I’m not trying to sound like some self help guru because this isn’t a success story, just a life-in-progress blurb. I still get terrified of so many things. But I can share with you some words that help me from the best life guru out there:

2 Timothy 1:7 – For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

1 Peter 5:7 – Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

1 John 4:18 – There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Isaiah 41:10 – Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

Psalms 91:1-16 – He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.   (Read More…)

John 16:33 – These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

Hebrews 2:14 – Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh and blood, he also himself likewise took part of the same; that through death he might destroy him that had the power of death, that is, the devil;

Romans 8:38-39 – For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,   (Read More…)

1 Corinthians 14:33 – For God is not [the author] of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.

1 John 4:1 – Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

Romans 8:15 – For ye have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but ye have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

Proverbs 1:7 – The fear of the LORD [is] the beginning of knowledge: [but] fools despise wisdom and instruction.

1 John 4:16-18 – And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.   (Read More…)

2 John 1:9-11 – Whosoever transgresseth, and abideth not in the doctrine of Christ, hath not God. He that abideth in the doctrine of Christ, he hath both the Father and the Son.   (Read More…)

Matthew 10:29-31 – Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.   (Read More…)

Revelation 20:2-5 – And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years,   (Read More…)

Psalms 27:1 – ([A Psalm] of David.) The LORD [is] my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the LORD [is] the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

Revelation 12:11 – And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.

Some kids ride bikes.. I created alter egos of old women. This one in particular was a #rambunctious lil' lady named Nadine. #tbt to my days as a #weirdo. #IwantedSofiafromGoldenGirlstobemybestfriend
Nadine, my old woman alter ego as a kid
What, you didn't dress up like a skoal dippin ladies' man named Luther when you were little?
Luther, my Skoal dippin’ alter ego
Me n moms spittin beats #tbt
First stage
Finally home
Be scared or not?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s